STATUS: TGIF and might get out of here before 6 p.m. …
What’s playing on the iPod right now? SAVE A PRAYER by Duran Duran
Since I just announced my two recent auctions, I thought it might be fun to share the original query letters with my blog readers.
First up is Sarah Rees Brennan and with her permission, the original query letter that was sent by email and that made us request 30 sample pages.
Dear Ms. Nelson and Ms. Megibow:
I am a big fan of Ms Nelson’s blog and the dedication and positive attitude obvious in every post. I would like you to consider THE DEMON’S LEXICON, my YA urban fantasy set in modern-day England. The manuscript is complete at 75, 000 words.
What can I say, I’m a sucker for flattery! Seriously, it’s a very straightforward introduction. All the necessary information is given.
What would be the first word to come to mind about the runaway romance between a beautiful, headstrong woman and a darkly fascinating magician?
For Nick, it’s ’embarrassing’, since said beautiful, headstrong woman was his mum. 16 year old Nick has been brought up on the run from the darkly fascinating magician after things really didn’t work out between him and Nick’s mother. He resents his mother for the predicament they’re in, and he was mostly raised by his older brother, Alan.
The answer wasn’t what I expected, and I love how she taps into exactly what a 16 year old would think about his mother and a romance. She has my full attention.
Nick has also been brought up knowing that there are certain people who have limited magical abilities. Some of them, the magicians, increase these magical abilities by summoning demons who give them more power – in return for the magicians giving them people to possess. The other magically gifted people have considerably less power and rely on magical trinkets and information, exchanged every month at a ‘goblin market.’ As the only people who know about the magicians and their victims, they do try to control things, but it’s an endeavour that is not going well.
This is a quick explanation of the world she has created. Notice it doesn’t take pages and pages. One brief paragraph. I expect the next paragraph to give me more of the conflict that is going to unfold with the character of Nick that she has introduced.
Nick, who can summon demons and is pretty handy with a sword, is mostly concerned with just getting by, but his life is greatly complicated by the advent of his brother’s latest crush. Not only is she a little too attractive for Nick’s peace of mind, but she has a boy in tow who bears the marks of demon possession. Added to that the fact that Nick has started to suspect that Alan, the only person in his life who he trusts, has been lying to him about a few very serious things, and not only Nick, but everybody else, are in for some surprises.
And here’s the conflict. I’m intrigued. Two brothers on the run. One is lying. Hum… I think I need to see more.
I have a popular online blog, some contacts in the writing and publishing world. I want to move ahead on this with an agent, and I also want an agent for the long term, for negotiation and guidance – in fact, everything it says on the tin – that is to say, your website.
I’m still wondering what a “tin” is and if it’s a Irish/British saying… but what the heck, I’m interested enough to read sample pages.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing back from you.
Yours,
Sarah Rees Brennan
On Monday, I’ll share with you the letter I wrote to the editors that started all the excitement about this very special novel. Until then…
I’m out.
‘tin’ comes from a series of TV ads for Ronseal products, for example “Ronseal Weatherproof Varnish – it does what it says on the tin”
Thus ‘tin’ implies that all advertised benefits will actually occur.
Hi Kristin!
I know, I’m a new face. I just found your blog (through an AAR search, looking for agents who blog) and I really like this example query with your thoughts. It’s extremely helpful.
I hope you’re still around, accepting fantasy when I finish my novel. I like your personality, or at least the sampling I’ve seen of it, and would send you a query now if I had a good draft done. 🙂
…And if I’m showing my age in this, I apologize.
Thanks for sharing the query letter. Once again you shown us what agents are looking for in the letter.
I love that you gave us your comments along with it.
Well. That was interesting. A little confusing to me, but maybe that’s because I’m in a bit of a hurry at the moment. I’ll come back to it when I have more time. Do we get to the read the one for The Hotel at the Corner of Bitter and Sweet? I’m looking forward to that one.
It’s always an interesting exercise to look at these queries that work for you, and then compare them to the do’s and don’t’s of ‘good’ query writing that you have espoused in your blog over the time you have been blogging. Once again, we have one that doesn’t necessarily conform to those conventions. That’s not a bad thing obviously, but I always like to know why queries work that don’t strictly adhere to them.
It’s a bit long based on my understanding of what one should strive for. ‘Get to the point’ is hammered into our brains by most of the blogging agents who discuss query writing. Be as concise as possible and still get those main elements in your query. For me, the query seemed a too wordy.
The conflict. It’s not clearly defined here, at least it doesn’t seem to be. I get that it is going to revolve around the possessed boy and the demon using magicians, but what is it exactly? It’s hinted at, but is that enough? There are surprises in store because Alan has been lying about some significant things, and we certainly don’t need to know them all, but is being vague in this case an advantage to piquing your interest? Of course how on earth is one to tell when it’s better to be vague or specific? I suspect there is no definite answer for this one.
I suspect this query’s main three paragraphs could easily be reduced to two or perhaps even one and still hit all the high points and uniqueness that would make you want to request pages, which of course is the point.
What was it here that really got you saying you wanted to see more? Was it the demon angle? What stood out as being unique? The plot itself sounds fairly straight forward from what was said here, so I am curious. That isn’t a drawback really, as it always depends on just what you do with it. For me, the term ‘goblin market’ grabbed my interest.I was immediately curious about just what the heck that is.
I know that sometimes, queries don’t do the ‘right’ things at all and yet they still have you wanting to read a few pages to see if that gut instinct was warranted, and perhaps that was the case here. Of course I am probably way over analyzing stuff here, but am wondering if you have any more feedback on this one, Kristen.
JDuncan
JDuncan, I couldn’t agree with you more. If I had been asked to critique this query before the author sent it to agents, I would have ripped it (nicely!) to shreds. You made all the points as to why.
I do remember Ms. Nelson stating that for her, queries don’t have to be perfect. I also think this case shows where subjectivity comes into play. Ms. Nelson just happened to really dig the basic idea. I don’t think it was the query necessarily standing out vs. her tastes responding to the story premise.
We can spend years perfecting a query, and it can be an awesome query, but if the agent doesn’t respond to the story concept, then there’s nothing more to do except query other agents.
Emily
“Tin” is British for “can” or container for food, as in “a tin of biscuits.”
So, “what it says on the tin” is essentially “what it says on the label.”
🙂
And if the above comments still leave you confused, heres the wikipedia entry, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Does_exactly_what_it_says_on_the_tin
Thanks for the insight to query letters, very useful.
JDuncan and Emily, surely the attraction is the verve of the writing in the letter itself?
A perfect query letter may be as well-crafted in the technical sense as a perfect job application, but you actually want to work with the person who can do the job standing on their head and also have you smiling and loving your work more because of their involvement with it.
Stepping outside the reductive confines of a formula injects some life and wit into the interaction. Can you blame KN for being seduced?
As to preferring to go by the rules, it sounds like those people who go to body language classes so that they can do better in bars. They may know exactly where to touch your forearm so that you know they’re interested in you, but you’re still going home with the guitarist who notices your Les Paul ’60 T-shirt.
I’ve noticed Kristin will take on longer queries than other agents and queries which don’t necessarily conform. Considering how much angst goes into getting the query letter just right, this is a breath of fresh air!
I was intrigued by this query. I did note that it started with a rhetorical question, which is Nathan Bransford’s pet peeve. It works in this case, though.
“Tin” in Brit may mean “can.” As in, tin can. We eat canned pork & beans, they eat tinned.
Biscuits (cookies) can come in tins. That’s why the Moody Blues sing about a bullfrog drumming on the side of a biscuit tin (cookie can).
Now–how’s that for early-AM trivia?
Reads more like a synopsis than a query but some agents like a short and sweet hook while others prefer more meat in their query. It’s always good to know who likes what. As kingm said, Nathan Bransford hates rhetorical questions. Obviously Ms. Nelson doesn’t mind. However, what I took note of most was the fact that the writer addressed her letter to both Ms. Nelson AND Ms. Megibow. Smart.
Linnea
Thanks for posting JDuncan and Emily, I very much agree with both of you. This query overall left me feeling vaguely confused. It didn’t read very smoothly (to me) and kind of left my brain saying, huh? The line that started “Added to the fact… REALLY left me tongue tied, as I have noticed, like you stated, that most agents want something short and sweet that flows well. It is extremely interesting to see some query letters, that impress me with their style, get shredded; while others, that have me shaking my head in confusion, are the ones to be applauded by an agent. I’m MOST interested in seeing what the letter to the editors that Ms. Nelson wrote looked like… Jess
I agree with those who found the query letter confusing and uninspiring. However, what you’re all missing is this: boil the query letter down to two words, and what do you get?
Harry Potter.
🙂
I have to agree with JDuncan, Emily and Jess. I’m confused as to why this query is considered a stand-out.
There is certainly a lot done right here. The tone is charming, the story sounds like it could be solid and in particular, the answer to that initial question also surprised and amused me. I can see why that line alone would have hooked an agent’s attention.
However, I found some of the sentences hard to understand. There were about three of them I had to reread, and one that I had to reread several times to sort it out. If I were an agent, that would give me pause.
However, this query is good enough that if the writer sent sample pages, I would read those too.
And if the sample pages are awesome, then all is forgiven when it comes to the query letter.
*shrug* However, I’m still confused about what I should take away from this example.
I’m constantly confused by people who read a synopsis of a YA modern fantasy novel and immediatly think Harry Potter. This book doesn’t sound like Harry Potter at all. Are we to believe that every YA fantasy author is ripping off JK Rowling?
“I have a popular online blog, some contacts in the writing and publishing world.”
I’m wondering how much her contacts had to do with getting your attention….and were the contacts any help in shopping the ms?
Also – much thanks to the author for letting us dissect this….and a congrats on the deal!
That was a such a great query letter. So straight forward. Seeing a query letter that actually landed a book deal and hearing your comments on it is really helpful. Now, how about the ‘don’ts’ on query letters? 😉
I agree with everyone that said it was a bit long and confusing. It reads like a query letter that hasn’t been edited or critiqued. It’s focus is all over the place and there were several sentences that made me pause to read again. And it was because of these things that I stopped reading on the first pitch paragraph. The idea itself sounds interesting and I’ll probably pick up the book when it hits shelves. Perhaps it was that, and that alone, that intruiged KN enough to request.
What I thought was interesting was the query’s focus on character. The author made the character sound interesting and real enough that almost any decent conflict would sound intriguing.
Maybe this one stood out just by being different, by focusing on the character rather than the plot, with the few plot details revealed through the character.
With most queries focused so heavily on plot, this one would sound different than the rest of the pile, just because it’s about the character.
Great question about the popular online blog and contacts. I, too, wondered if that was a selling point. I’m sure we all love to think that the publishing world is filled with nothing but people who love to read, but bottom line is that it’s a business. Period. That ‘popular blog’ and ‘writing contacts’ could be a big marketing factor. And isn’t anything and everything about marketing these days? Jess
Whew, glad to read the comments and see others were just as confused. Reinforces the fact that it’s much more about story and marketing ability than it is about the writing itself.
popular blog and publishing contacts? Now maybe I’m strange but for me that shows that the author is not some derranged lunatic scribbling noteworthy thoughts to be read out at aunt Jemima’s b.day, but is actually confident enough to have her/ his work criticised by public, and if the blog is succesfull? even better. That shows that the author is putting at least SOME real effort and is serious about his own writing. The same goes for contacts in the publishing. I honestly don’t think that was the factor that convinced the agent to take her on. If Sarah’s contacts in the publishing were so good, she’d already have an agent:)
I’ve said it once but I guess the comment was not posted so forgive me for being repetitive. I think the letter was first of all true. It had style and it had character, and it was unique. In my book that stands as a big, fat plus as opposed to the standard refined, polished and dull letters that only perfect the form, but give no substance.
I thought the query was a great expression of voice. I didn’t find it too long.
Just enough was given to make me want to know more which is the ulitmate purpose of a query.
So many queries have been sliced and diced to the point the author’s voice is lost.
This query captured my imagination.
Congrats to Sarah Rees Brennan and the agency. I wish you much success!
Well, I’ll have to agree with those who found the letter confusing! I like simplicity in writing. I prefer correct grammar, as well. Clearly this agent Ms. Nelson doesn’t care, if she doesn’t mind this “the only person in his life who he trusts….”
And here I’ve worked so hard to craft simple, correct queries!
replying to: fellow anonymouse at 2:27 pm:
If you were an agent rather than a writer, it’d be fair comment, but as is, I detect a hint of jealousy…
I’ve never kept reading a boring story because of its perfect grammar, on the other hand, if the story is good and interesting, I can forgive a couple of grammatical errors.
This is a story I want to read! Congrats to both Sarah and Kristin!
anon 4:43….i agree. It’s about being hooked and losing yourself in the story, especially when we’re talking about popular fiction…..most of these critiques seem to be good with good intentions, but others do seem to be of the jealous sort….
I submit that the very reason this query got the agent’s attention, was that it hadn’t been nitpicked to death by well-meaning critiquers. Instead, it gained a reading because it was full of enthusiasm and straight from the heart. Next time I query an agent, I will not let anyone see the letter beforehand.
I don’t think these ‘critiques’ are being made out of jealously at all. Simply put, if you are a writer who has done any amount of research into perfecting your query letter (which you should), you will have undoubtedly found many resources that DRIVE IN several main points: 1) grammatically correct, 2) simple and to the point, and 3) polished and professional.
So what I think is happening here in the comment section is a bunch of confused writers saying, ‘hey, we’ve been told all this time to make our query letters ‘this’ way, but here’s one that obviously doesn’t follow ‘those’ rules.’
We writers are an obsessive bunch, and we want to know what the ‘proper’ way to do this is. When really, this query letter only shows us (and confuses us even more!) that there really is no ‘proper’ way to do it. Taste is subjective in every agent, and that’s what it all comes down to.
– Jess
I liked the query. It gave me enough to interest me in the story and character.
We have been told to follow certain guidelines when writing queries, but I also believed “perfecting” a query would also take away a bit of the uniqueness that might catch an agent’s attention. Otherwise I’m afraid my query might get lost in the other hundreds of queries that look and start too much like mine. It’s nice seeing what queries catch an agent’s eye, since it seems to confirm that it can never be perfect but the voice of our query and the story may be the most important thing to catch the interest of an agent.
I didn’t like the rhetorical question at the beginning, but she won me over with the rest and at least she kept it to just one.
Also I saw a Harry Potter comment before, and while HP probably has influenced most writers, I thought Ms.Brennan’s story sounded like something that Diana Wynne Jones might of written. I will definitely look forward to reading this book.
-Carol
I agree with the people who said the letter was very wordy and confusing. I am not even exactly sure what the book is about… something about a magician and his brother? Not really sure. I did love the “goblin market” bit. I have read many queries that garnered tons of agent interest and ultimately a great book deal and for most of those I remember thinking, “wow, I can see why this was so in demand.” This query surprises me. However, I readily admit I know nothing of this genre so it could be that this is a fantastic, unique premise and that is what sold it. I hope Kristin lends some more insight.
In any case, congrats to the writer and to Kristin. What a huge win!
Some could argue this wasn’t the standard, expected query letter writers literally strive to perfect so they can gain the attention of agents. If you read the “how to” books about writing query letters this one knocks off quite a few of the rules.
But isn’t it nice to see that Kristin was attracted to the content of the letter instead of being caught up with rules about writing query letters? I’m hoping this is a trend in publishing, and a more casual approach will become the standard.
Someone said to another person’s comment that person is just jealous. Every time anyone questions anything about an agent’s taste, are they only jealous? I seriously doubt it. Do you really believe agents are always right? If so, you’re a silly person and probably an agent.
Well, as I see it Sarah’s wit -she is very, very good at using washed out clichés, flip the perspective and thus making you howl with laughter- care for characters, and, as I’ve surmised from other comments, trice damed verbosity shows in the query. Basically, she showed how she acutally writes in the query, and, voliá! the agent liked her writing! I’m so happy for her (and me! I can’t wait to read the book).
Ps. All you scary writing-people, you, english is not my native langugage. Please don’t be a hater.
To all of you who are condemning this query for not being perfect, pay attention. Brennan’s query may not be by-the-book perfect, but IT GOT AN AGENT’S ATTENTION. We are not looking for perfect queries. We are not selling the query letter. The query letter rules are there to be guidelines, to steer you in the right direction. If you can catch our interest going out of those lines, that’s cool too.
The query letter does not have to be perfect, it has to sell your novel. This query sold a novel to Kristin. That’s good enough for me.
The query letter does not have to be perfect, it has to sell your novel. This query sold a novel to Kristin. That’s good enough for me.
All I said was that I was confused why it worked. Congratulations to both the writer and Kristin for a happy business union; I hope it is fruitful for them.
However, this letter was presumably posted so other writers could learn from it. I haven’t learned the lesson, apparently, and am appealing for more explanation.
Hi Kris! It’s the person who called jealousy replying… I don’t believe that agents are always right, I am an extremely silly person, and I am not an agent.
I think most people who found the query confusing have a point, and I wasn’t addressing my comment to all the people who expressed a difference of opinion or wanted to know more about Kristin’s reasoning. However, with some of the comments, you can’t deny that there’s trace of bitterness. Wouldn’t it be ridiculous if Sarah had gotten a reply saying ‘I love the premise of the story, you sound like you have a fab voice that could earn us both Big Dosh, but since you use who when you should use whom, alas! I cannot represent you’, which essentially is what (with liberal hyperbole) that person wished had happened.
Now, I’ve already stated that I think everyone is entitled to their preferences, but I’d like to make a related but slightly different point. I imagine that two of an agent’s most valuable assets in carving out their career are her instincts and her taste. We may not agree with her, and we should feel free to say so, but I think it’s sillier to *attack* an agent for her taste. I still call jealousy where people disagree *in a confrontational way*. In other words, what kidlitjunkie said.
Maybe I missed something here, but where is the “*attack*” on an agent??? So far I’ve seen lots of people expressing themselves and asking questions in a fairly polite way. Also, several have offered ‘congrats’ to the agency, which impresses me to no end. There is no personal attack here, at least I don’t think so, and obviously we know that in the end Sarah is the one laughing all the way to the bank…we just want to know how we all can do it to 😉 – Jess
Ohmigod, there’s another LINNEA out there? And posting to Kristin’s blog, too? (I’ve been getting some comments about my postings to blogs I don’t post on, so…hmmm. I have a twin? Wonder if she likes gin & tonic with limes.) 😉 ~Linnea Sinclair
I love reading successful queries. I’ve been suffering over mine for months and it’s always educational to read one that worked.
I still think it’s the hardest part of the writing job. What doesn’t work for one agent will for another.
I hope to read more here!
I remember listening to Hilary Sares speak at a RWA panel about queries, and what stuck with me was that she hated formalities. That if it ended with ‘Thank you for your time’ yada yada, she knew the person was a newbie. She also mentioned her favorite quere simply said, “Here.” She loved chutzpah in her queries.
I think sometimes in our fear we adhere to formality forgeting that agents are people too, not just the gatekeepers to our dreams.
I think what was eye catching about the query was it’s straightforwardness, maybe not of story, but of writer.
Congrats, and I’m looking forward to reading it!
Just to go back to that ‘Tin’ comment. We use the word ‘Tin’ meaning ‘Can’ mainly because tin cans are actually made with the metal ‘Tin’. Here’s the Wiki explanation…..
“Tin bonds readily to iron, and has been used for coating lead or zinc and steel to prevent corrosion. Tin-plated steel containers are widely used for food preservation, and this forms a large part of the market for metallic tin. Speakers of British English call them “tins”; Americans call them “cans” or “tin cans”. One thus-derived use of the slang term “tinnie” or “tinny” means “can of beer”. The tin whistle is so called because it was first mass-produced in tin-plated steel.”
The phrase “Does what it says on the tin” is explained in an earlier comment… ie. “Does exactly as the label says”
So, lets all sit back and have some tinnies together. Bring on some more examples of query letters please!!!
In order to make an even 44 comments (for now), once rules are made for anything, it’s too late to follow them and expect anything unusual. It all boils down to luck and style, the right place at the right time. Writing that is good enough for the reader wins the day. Just as my 5-year-old wants the crayon his friend has, I want the contract Ms. Brennan has, as well as an agent like Ms. Nelson. I probably want those things more than I am happy for Ms. Brennan, because I don’t know her nor do I read fantasy.
JA Konrath on his website describes the query that won him a high six-figure (he says) contract. It was a total slap in the face of everything anyone else was doing. He didn’t leave a phone number, included a photo, and all sorts of other things that got him deal. He’s no Patterson or whoever, but he’s writing and selling books.
So it is that attitude matters more than technical ability. I think it’s easier to learn to mix in the attitude than to figure out the technicalities.
It’s a little long, but that’s fine because it works. You don’t notice the structure, you just enjoy the ride. Most importantly, you get a feel for the writer’s voice, and what it might be like to read her story…you want to see more.
That’s all a query has to do. I don’t understand why there’s so much confusion!
I don’t see sour grapes here, but I do see the too-common belief that good writing is as simple as filling in blanks — that if you obey some set of rules, success should be yours.
The plot of this query doesn’t grab me — it’s not my kind of thing — but I know that this person can write. She has unusual and interesting emotional dynamics for the characters that are cleanly set out, and this letter has an individual voice.
If you do have those things, you can break a lot of rules. (Not all. But several.) If you don’t have those things, you can follow every rule to the letter, and you’ll still be out of luck.
“And here I’ve worked so hard to craft simple, correct queries!”
Anyone who can’t read sour grapes in this line has poor reading comprehension.
Which is an odd trait in a bunch of writers.
There is a journal entry in Sarah’s livejournal that she wrote about sending this query. It’s really quite enthralling and humorous, like everything she writes. To whomever is interested in reading it can do so at: http://www.livejournal.com/mistful
it’s on one of her recent posts.
Re: Sarah’s post about her query, it is specifically here:
http://mistful.livejournal.com/104252.html#cutid1
May be enlightening to the confused. 😀
Additionally, I would agree that voice, enthusiasm and a good sense of humor are at least as likely to nab an agent or editor as mechanical perfection. Mechanical perfection that’s, as other people here have pointed out, too mechanical–just begs the question, how can someone be so literate and yet so boring at the same time?
Obviously enthusiasm cannot do the job alone, and if you’re too sloppy, well, best of luck to you. However, agents and editors and copy-editors exist to tie loose ends and tighten weak points. A grammar error or two, or a not-quite-perfect line–these things they can fix. What they can’t do is give spunk and depth to a writer who doesn’t have any of their own, regardless of how pristine said author’s writing may be. Not that a query shouldn’t be as good as you can make it–but I’d wager that many agents would prefer someone with spirit, creativity and intelligence to a floppy and faultless automaton.
Just a thought.
I’m just a writer comparing queries and found this site… and these comments. Wow. Is it only me or is all this debate over the one query a little… ridiculous? Everyone seems to be repeating themselves, and I couldn’t even bother to read to the bottom.
I’m moving to a seperate example.
Hmmm – this made me want to read the book. And I’ve seen the book, I think I may have even purchased the book for my library, but I was never interested in reading it before. I’m off to find a copy now.
By the way, “tin” is “can” as in a can of soup = tinned soup. Everything on the tin is everything on the label of the tin. Meaning ‘as advertised’ (I didn’t read all the comments, but I imagine someone has answered this question also).
I am a new author and just finished my first book. Now I am doing a lot of research on writing a query because summarizing has always been very challenging for me. For the bio portion, I am finding very little that will impress an agent. Rather than speak of my lack of qualifications, I defined the style I use and my justifications for writing in such a manner.
I am wondering if this is the wrong route to take given all I have read on writing a query expresses staying to traditional format.
Rebecca Thompson sent me to your blog from authonomy where I’ve been posting my novels for people to view, become fans and get some feedback from. I’m currently writing novel #10 of the Munroe series – historical fiction paranormal thrillers. (rough drafts completed for 9 novels as of today)
I love the example you gave for a query letter. Now I know why mine didn’t do so well to 6 agents LOL
“Everything it says on the tin” is a British phrase. It means everything that’s advertised e.g. “this does everything it says on the tin”, a complement. In this case Sarah’s saying that she’d like the full services of an agent, to get what’s advertised by yourselves on the website. 🙂
What an indispensable medium for author education! Will be checking on often as I formulate my future pitches. Thanks!
Sarah is such an amazing writer and I`m so glad she was found by you Kristin. I was inspired to find your blog by reading your article in the Writer`s Digest Yearbook 2012, it was wonderfully written and informative. I love that you have provided examples both here and in that article of what I can model, and what I should toss behind me in a crumpled ball, when querying an agent. What I am trying to say is, thank you for the inspiration!