I’ve been reading a lot of sample pages lately—trying to get caught up and also because I’m actively looking for something new.
Lately I’ve had to avoid eating breakfast or lunch while reviewing sample pages.
Please, I beg you. No more people peeing, defecating, or otherwise involved with a bodily function in the opening chapter.
Gross!
Besides, it’s ruining my morning Danish.
I’m safe there,at least.
Oops, not me. Not that anyone actually does that in the first chapter, but someone does die in the bathroom with his head shoved in the toilet….
Sorry…. Didn’t mean to spoil your appetite.
Well ya gotta admit a defacating scene would definately grab your attention right of the bat… Yikes!!
LOL Thanks for that!
(I can’t believe you’re serious!)
Can someone explain to me WHY you would want to write a defacating scene?!
This is a problem? Who knew. The advice books do suggest that you open with conflict. I just never considered the protagonist versus their bowels as an option. Try the Starbucks pumpkin scone- far superior to the danish.
Goodness, I do hope these are sci fi ms you’re reading. I don’t generally like poo in my romances.
Or perhaps we’ve stumbled on the real reason why “chick lit is dead”. 😉
I’m not trying to be a nitwit or anything, but Miss Nelson, in the past your site mentioned you were not considering fantasy without a chick-lit slant. Has this changed? I don’t want to submit a query to you and further clutter your slush pile if you’re not inerested in epic fantasy.
Thanks for doing this blog! Even if I don’t write the type of fantasy you want to represent, your blog is very informative.
Well, this breaks my losing streak!!! I may have compared my novel to a best-selling author and crowed that it was chick lit the day before learning the genre’s in the tank, but by golly, no mention of excrement in my ms until page 24. Hooray!
~anxiously~
She does go to the garderobe in Chapter Four, but it’s that or widdle on the floor…is that O.K?
Awww but, but… It’s toilet humor!
My name’s Jake. I’m a private eye. I was enjoying my morning Starbucks and keeping an eye on the gorgeous blond at the next table. It’s ok. We’re married.
I grabbed her hand. She smiled. Her smile quickly vanished. The screams from the bathroom erased both our smiles
“Oh God, O God o goddddd” we heard.
The voice grew weaker. I threw my muscular body against the door. Once was enough. I dislocated my shoulder, and the door didn’t budge.
“What’s wrong!” I yelled. “Unlock the door.”
Then to my wife: “Get the manager’s key! Quick.”
A weak sigh came from the restroom. “Where’s the toilet paper. Help! I need toilet paper!”
So, Kristin, you’re saying this wont work? Dang! I’m so disappointed.
I don’t have body functions, but I have a battlefield. After battle. Complete with some intestines and chopped off body parts.
Shall I send the second chapter instead? *grin*
My books are 100% defecation free. Come to think of it, there’s no urination or menstruation, either. Two of the romance novels I’ve read in the last week or so had unusually detailed descriptions of what all went on while the heroine was menstruating. Pretty gross stuff, and not something you’d want to read while eating.
Oops. “Pee” is the eighth word in chapter one of my latest novel. But it doesn’t actually start flowing until word 47. Does it help my case any that it’s a five-year-old girl? They’re forever “making winkie” as my daughters used to say. There’s no #2 in the manuscript until page 14. Perhaps this is why I haven’t published a book since the early 15th century. Ms. Nelson, I’m indebted to your sagacity.
LMAO.
I’ll keep this in mind, Ms Nelson.
Not me . . . I have something else. Much better of course.
me too
“A bodily function?”
Does that include sex?
*Checks manuscript* Nope, no piddling. I even hold off on the violence and blood until chapter 3. I am ashamed to admit that I have a fantasy story that opens in the woods (no herbs in sight, however).
Okay, that suggestion goes on my list of things not to do to editors. (I lecture at writing workshops now and then.)
I usually tell the neos to “Write your opening in such a way as to distract the editor from a subway full of potential muggers.” (That’s how I sold my first.)
Now I’ll add “Make sure it doesn’t spoil the editor’s morning Danish at Starbucks, either.”
Too bad Janine Cross never heard that one, she might have spared us from reading about “venom cocks.”
From a brilliant, if nauseated, reviewer: http://crevette.livejournal.com/
I’m not Crevette, but admire her greatly.
By any chance, are the names of the characters not gathering herbs in the woods Khâfqt’fxönc’h and Zdrfûnqhwàtlt?
I have read over 150 novels, some serious, some comedy, and have never come across a deficating scene. Much less one that was well written. Is there such a thing? I had no clue excriment was such a problem :o)
I edit romance submissions for Wild Child Magazine and I’m so sick of sappy stories I could scream. Doesn’t anyone know how to write a great romance anymore? Oh, wait, I do that! ROFL!
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On rewrite, I cut out any activity requiring the presence of an air freshener.
(Note to self, try proofing BEFORE pressing the publish button)
Whew, that means I’m safe having the character’s mother send her to fetch salt water for cooking. (Not herbs or any bodily functions)
Thank you for doing this blog, it’s refreshing to get a dose of honesty rather than watered-down advice.
I have a question for you, and any one else posting here that has some input. How do you feel about first person romance? Many of the paranormals I read are in first person, but it seems that many publishers require third. I lean toward reading and writing first because you get to know the heroine so much better, but the downfall is you get to know the hero less. What advice do you have regarding POV? Thank you and keep up the fantastic blogging!
So much for my story about a parasites journey through the gastro-intestinal system.
I judged an entry in a contest where the first line was:
“Whose pu$$y hair is this on the kitchen counter?”
Lovely way to start a book. (NOT!)
You’re right, Anon.
It should have been “why”, not “whose”.
Let me guess, Anon. You’re judging the Golden Heart?
Well, maybe not. 🙂 Maybe one of the Passionate Ink contests, then.
LOL
Back when I was reading manuscripts (I have had since to move to a Real Job, alas) I ended up compiling a list of sterling rules for being binned immediately. The Bathroom Scene Opening (or the more general Gratuitous Exibition of Bodily Fluids Opening) was up there alongside the Plot Detailing the Boring Life of a ThirtySomething And His Friends and The Menace of Cybersex.