STATUS: I spent most of today on the phone. Some days are just like that. Now that it’s after 4, I’m going to now tackle my TO DO list.
What’s playing on the iPod right now? TAINTED LOVE by Soft Cell
This morning I realized it’s been a while since I spotlighted a client’s query. I always find it interesting to talk about what caught my interest and hopefully it’s a good learning tool for blog readers as you revise your own query letters.
Today’s story is a little different as Janice didn’t query me by email per se. I actually met Janice at the Surrey International Writers Conference that is held in Vancouver, British Columbia. And no, Janice is not Canadian; she actually hails from Georgia. She just happened to be at the conference.
She had signed up for a 10-minute pitch session with me so she “queried” me via a verbal one-on-one pitch.
I have to say, that the first thing that caught my interest was the title: THE PAIN MERCHANTS. What’s even more interesting is that the publisher ended up not going with this title. See the cover I’ve included below. Go figure. I found the title immediately interesting and I knew that I wanted to read the sample pages she was going to submit after the conference. In fact, I emailed Sara to be on the lookout for them.
For some reason, I don’t have the original letter she sent with the sample pages but I did save her pitch paragraph from that letter. Since that’s the crucial part, I’m including it here. Tomorrow I’ll share the letter I sent to editors when I submitted this work.
From Janice’s cover letter:
Seventeen-year-old Nya couldn’t find good luck in an empty pail. As one of the city’s many orphans, she survives on odd jobs and optimism — finding both in short supply in a city crippled by a failed war for independence. Then a bungled egg theft, a stupid act of compassion and boys unable to keep their mouths shut, expose her secret to the two most powerful groups in Geveg: the pain merchants and the Healer’s League. They discover Nya is a Taker, a healer who can pull pain and injury from others. Trouble is, unlike normal Takers she can’t dump that pain into pynvium, the enchanted metal used to store it. All she can do is shift it from person to person, a so far useless skill that’s never once paid for her breakfast.
When an accident floods the city with injured and Takers start disappearing from the Healer’s League, Nya’s talent is suddenly in demand. But what she’s asked to do with her healing ability feels as wrong as fish with feet. That is, until her sister Tali goes missing — then walking fish don’t sound so bad after all. Because finding Tali means taking on the League, and to do something that stupid she’ll need what only her “useless skill” can get her. As her papa used to say, principles are a bargain at any price, but how many will Nya have to sell to get Tali back alive?
Janice’s pitch blurb annotated:
Seventeen-year-old Nya couldn’t find good luck in an empty pail. As one of the city’s many orphans, she survives on odd jobs and optimism — finding both in short supply in a city crippled by a failed war for independence. KN: I’m caught by Janice’s voice in the opening lines. “Couldn’t find good luck in an empty pail” and “surviving on optimism.” I’m looking forward to reading on. Then a bungled egg theft, a stupid act of compassion and boys unable to keep their mouths shut, expose her secret to the two most powerful groups in Geveg: the pain merchants and the Healer’s League. KN: I knew I was right to ask for sample pages. There is the contrast between the theft and the act of compassion that makes me interested in this character. Not to mention had the “uh-oh” moment that a secret revealed to powerful people can only be trouble. They discover Nya is a Taker, a healer who can pull pain and injury from others. Trouble is, unlike normal Takers she can’t dump that pain into pynvium, the enchanted metal used to store it. All she can do is shift it from person to person, a so far useless skill that’s never once paid for her breakfast. KN: Here I have to understand the world and Nya’s power so Janice explains. But then she hints at the issue. This is a “useless skill” that I’m now assuming is not going to be considered useless by these powerful people. Intriguing.
When an accident floods the city with injured and Takers start disappearing from the Healer’s League, Nya’s talent is suddenly in demand. But what she’s asked to do with her healing ability feels as wrong as fish with feet. KN: Plot catalyst that starts the story. I don’t know what is as wrong as fish feet but I still love the voice and I’m thinking the story is going to tell me if I start reading. Also, That is, until her sister Tali goes missing — then walking fish don’t sound so bad after all. KN: Ah, this situation is going to put our character in a compromising situation. Now her sister is at stake. What is she willing to do? Good set up of conflict. Because finding Tali means taking on the League, and to do something that stupid she’ll need what only her “useless skill” can get her. KN: I have to read this now! As her papa used to say, principles are a bargain at any price, but how many will Nya have to sell to get Tali back alive? KN: This last line just nailed it for me. I like stories where the character might have to grapple with moral ambiguity.
Sad that they changed the title – The Pain Merchant would’ve caught my eye! The Shifter sounds almost too ordinary nowadays!
Great query – I’m hooked too!
Pure silliness. Should be called THE DRIVEL MERCHANT
Will anyone read this stuff?!
I like the original title much better (The Shifter sounds too generic), but the cover is beautiful. The query itself left me a little confused about what exactly she does with her skill – does she just steal pain from people and pass the pain along to someone else? Maybe it was more clear in the pitch session. Interesting premise though. When will it be released?
I’ll read this stuff. This book is going on my TBR list right away (although I do like THE PAIN MERCHANTS more than the title the publishers went with–like the_epic_rat said, it sounds a little generic). The voice caught me immediately, and the whole paragraph excited me.
(I’m a bit weirded out, though, because a long time ago I had an idea for a story with a character similar to Nya–except in that world, it was normal to transfer the pain between people instead of between a person and an inanimate object. Good to know there’s something similar out there so I don’t inadvertently write the same story!)
I have to agree that The Pain Merchants is by far the stronger title; it just grabs me, whereas The Shifter just seems generic.
As for Anonymous at 5:11 PM, I think perhaps you need to go find something more uplifting and enjoyable to do than disparage other people’s work.
One of my favorite ways to “find” books/authors I haven’t read before is to locate a known favorite and then scan the shelf left/right/up/down. This title would not have passed that test.
The pitch, however, has my full attention and now I’m a bit sad that it appears I’m going to have to wait for it…
Do they ever tell you why they change the title for a book? I’d be curious to know what the rationale was, because I would have picked up The Pain Merchants in the store to check out the back cover, but not The Shifter. Despite the cover, the title does sound very generic, and I would have assume shape-shifting or something similar.
It’s gone onto my TBR pile.
Great cover, too!
The query and the cover both attract my eye. The new title is ok, but I agree with many of the others – the original title is far more catchy.
The publisher should have stuck with the original title.
The Shifter sounds like it’s either a shape-changing story or a euphemism for an ICU in-joke about patient bowels.
But having read the pitch, I would actually read this.
I’m intrigued by the storyline and would like to know more.
I do feel a bit like too much of the summary is contrived to be catchy (“wrong as fish with feet”, “useless skill that’s never once paid for breakfast”, “principles are a bargain at any price…”) and it made me roll my eyes a little. I would wonder at first if the corny lines cover a lack of story or writing.
But that’s just my opinion of course, and must not be the case as she is getting published.
Congrats to Janice and her book!
I’m with everyone who thinks the cover and story sound great, and the title is not so great.
I honestly think if they didn’t like “Merchants” they should have used: “The Pain Shifter” because that would convey that this is not a werewolf-shifter story.
Love it when you share these. Also…love this book concept! I can’t wait to read it!
Thank you for posting! These are unbelievably helpful and insightful!
I have to agree with everyone else. The change in title would leave me cold, but the story sounds intriguing as hell. I’ll have to keep my eyes out for it.
Love the cover, including the cityscape at the bottom. The subtitle under the author’s name and the non-hairy hands hopefully make it clear this isn’t a werewolf story.
It never ceases to amaze me which queries get noticed. I’d have dumped that one after the first sentence. Reading the rest of it didn’t improve my opinion, it actually worsened it.
Proof that the publication is, in many ways, just a series of minor miracles.
Anonymous at 8:21, it probably just means that your literary tastes are different.
I was one of the lucky beta-readers. I loved the book, even though I’m not exactly a Y A.
I think it sounds like a perfectly interesting concept, but the opening also struck me as odd, as it implies that there are people that *could* find good luck in an empty pail. (or with an empty pail?)(or maybe in this world, luck is a fluid?) It strikes me as a mixup of the “carry a tune in a bucket” phrase, but maybe I’m being dense.
(Also @ 5:49)I was wondering if it were YA, but didn’t see that in the post. Am I correct in guessing that this is why they shied away from “pain” in the title?
If so, that’s what’s silly–at least when I was scrounging through the book fairs for anything decent, any exploration of pain, loss, and angst sounded promising;)
I LOVE this cover! It’s not a genre I’m interested in, but the cover (and the title, for that matter) would definitely grab my attention on a bookstore shelf.
Kristin, I love it when you post queries. Earlier today I read you should NEVER have a question in a query. Especially not at the beginning or end. I pulled my query up and, sure enough, the last sentence is a question. Just like in Janice’s query – the one you loved and that led her to publication. I think I’ll trust my instincts and leave my query alone.
Even if this is YA, I agree with everyone here that “The Pain Merchants” was at the very least a more “eye-catching” title. And if they toned it down for YA – I think adults need to give young adults (that’s the key I think – young adults) the benefit of the doubt. Kids aren’t stupid, especially the ones that like to read.
Even with the title change, and I did like her original title too, I am hooked! No wonder you wanted to read!
Janice, congrats, you have a new fan!
I love the cover and the book sounds intriguing, I’ll definitely pick it up.
This is obviously YA fantasy.
People shouldn’t sneer at a novel just because it’s not their taste. It sounds like a good example of the genre to me, and I guarantee I’m not stupid or lacking education. I’m talking to you, Anon 5:11. And anyone else who says books they don’t care for are drivel.
Does it really improve your own writing to tear down others? Oh, wait, you’re probably so good your writing doesn’t need improvement. It’s just that all the ignorant agents, editors, and readers out there don’t recognize genius when they see it.
Grrr. Sorry. Someone pressed a few of my buttons…
Thanks for the breakdown of your thoughts on this query. It shows what needs to be there, how it reveals the story, conflict, drama and much more.
For the cover, “The Healing Wars” should be bigger to advertise it as a series. “The Taker” would have been a stronger title, but “The Pain Merchants”, even better. Maybe that title can be used for a later book in the series.
I was wondering when the book was coming out (Oct 2009) so I looked it up on Amazon.co.uk.
Either Amazon hasn’t caught up, or there’s a British edition using the original title, because the book isn’t listed as ‘The Shifter’ but it is there as ‘The Pain Merchants.’
(I do like that title more than the other.)
I wonder if anybody at the publishing company is reading these (great) comments and wishing you guys were in on the brainstorming sessions!
The new title is only a part of the whole cover experience, for me. I love the color, the swirlies, the font. With that pitch paragraph on the back, I’d be buying extra copies to share. I think it’s great! Congratulations!
Kristin,
Nice post. People enjoy reading query critiques because raw numbers, like “I received 200 queries,” don’t do a whole lot for aspiring authors. Well, such numbers do force us to realize our unimportant position in the Universe. Hooray for humility!
Wow, thanks everyone! What a great thing to wake up to this morning. I’m so glad you like it (or most of you, but hey, you can’t please everyone, right?).
For what it’s worth, the UK version is keeping The Pain Merchants title. (So far at least!)
I notice that many people out there slam YA fantasy as if it were the lowest form of writing. I’m glad people like Garth Nix and Terry Pratchett don’t think so.
It’s like Madelaine L’Engle once said. “You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.”
People who don’t “get” YA fantasy make me sad, because they’ve essentially lost touch with the wonder of their own child-like imagination (or they never had one to begin with?).
Thanks for the query break down, Kristin. Seeing what caught your eye is invaluable, especially as I’m currently trying to hammer my query into something eye catching.
I don’t suppose you could deconstruct an epic fantasy query? 🙂 All the queries I see exemplified by agents are YA and/or urban fantasy, where the voice is very different.
Thanks again for your time on this blog.
This post brought to you by the word: untri
Try or try not, but do not untri.
The catalyst is all the way down in the pitch, near the end (the missing sister).
I know not to take things *so* literally, but isn’t always going to be better for a query to start with the catalyst (as was mentioned in a previous pitch blog posts)?
Looks like a great book! I love how strongly the voice comes through in the pitch…it really gives me a sense of what to expect. I can’t wait to read to it!
Big congrats to Janice! Best of luck to you.
re: the pitch — I found it difficult to get through, and still have no clear idea of the plot. When a book has so many diverse names and factions to keep track of, is filling a query with these lines a good idea?
–walking fish (?)
— an accident floods the city with injured (had to read it four times to realize there was no actual “flood.”
— a bungled egg theft (she’s a healer and she’s worried about an egg?)
— finding both in short supply in a city crippled by a failed war.
Some of it can give it voice, but really, a bungled egg theft? I originally thought that was the catalyst. It’s just so wordy. It’s odd how queries can be hailed as brilliant by one agent and utter dog crap by the next.
Obviously, the book itself is great or it wouldn’ve have sold. Possibly it’s just me, but but as a QUERY EXAMPLE I fail to see the gem here.
I’m Anon 7:48 —
(as I struggle to write my own pitches…)
Shouldn’t the pitch be built around THIS part mentioned in the very end?
PITCH QUOTE: “… Because finding Tali means taking on the League, and to do something that stupid she’ll need what only her “useless skill” can get her…”
**Shouldn’t the query state how she uses her “useless skill” to defeat them? It seems like that IS the story.
I liked the original title but what a cool cover
Huge congrats to Janice (and KN of course).
Surrey is one of my favorite conferences. I also find that unlike a query letter where the time you have an agent’s attention is measured in seconds, a pitch session let’s you have at least 5-10 minutes. This way if you don’t open with the perfect line you still have a chance to tell them about your story.
Count me as another who liked the original title better! Sounds fascinating and I’ll be on the look out for it.
Love the cover, but the new title is rather bland. It reminds me of when they changed the name of the UK book, Gideon The Cutpurse to The Time Travelers for the US.
Sounds like an exciting story, can’t wait to pick it up.
Perfect. I love to hear what worked to get agents hooked. It’s so helpful. Thanks for taking the time to share this with us. Sounds like a book that’s right up my alley!
I can really see why you loved this query so much.
The magic weaved by those words was so well conceived I had no problem seeing the story unfold as I read the letter.
I think the change in title, however unfortunate it may be, is just another proof of how people like to follow trends/rules/formulae. They know what’s been popular, what has worked, and like to work within those same parameters, are afraid to take on risks (I’m talking generally, and as generally goes, there are always exceptions, of course–TG for that!).
Anyway, thank you for sharing it with us. I look forward to Geveg’s discovery 🙂
The Pain Merchants was a much better title. I hope the book sells well anyway, because the concept is gold.
The only reason for the change of title, and I’m reaching, is that The Pain Merchants sounds noirish – something Elmore Leonard might have done. The Shifter sounds more in line with fantasy. Still, if I saw The Pain Merchants in the fantasy aisle, it would catch my eye as different and I’d read the cover to learn more. Good luck to you Janice.
Fabulous cover, author!
Thanks, Kristin, for continuing to post queries that work for you. That’s a much better method than posting the horrible queries, in my opinon.
Kristen, do you ever get feedback from the publisher/editor about why they make title changes like this? Did ‘Pain Merchant’ stray too far from the fantasy feel of things? I’m assuming shifter is a reference to the shifting of pain from one person to another, but if that’s the case, that’s kind of weak. If I was looking at the spines along the shelf at my B/N, I’d be far more likly to pull out The Pain Merchants over The Shifter. Really curious what their thinking was.
‘The Pain Merchants’ sounds like a book about sado-masochist people trafficking. That’s what I thought it was before I read the query.
However, no-one else seems to think so and ‘The Shifter’ is an innocuous title that wouldn’t grab anyone’s attention.
Whatever about the title, the query’s great and I wish the book was available now. (What’s with these anonymous begrudgers?)
I made an anonymous comment earlier about not liking the query. I’m a YA novelist (hence my preference for anonymity) and I resent comments suggesting that just because I dislike something means that I don’t like or understand the genre.
A negative critical appraisal is not an indication of ignorance nor of sour grapes.
I wish Miss Hardy great success. I’ve every expectation that her book is better than the query suggests.
For the begrudgers and questioners: This query works because it sings. Perhaps (perhaps not) there are technical things the writer omits or overlooks, but not only does it have a strong hook, but when you read it the voice/tone/pacing comes through. This isn’t just a formulaic query letter, you can see the characters, the world, the tension. Bravo, Janice. Color me jealous.
Anon 4:17:
Why insult the author’s query to begin with? When you’re negative without reason (since we’re not critiquing her query here; this was an example of what worked for THIS PARTICULAR AGENT), people are going to respond to you negatively.
And whether you like the query or not, the author got a “very good deal” — a deal somewhere between $50,000 and $99,000. Not too shabby for MG.
Penny’s Quote @ 9:26: “…Why insult the author’s query to begin with? When you’re negative without reason (since we’re not critiquing her query here; this was an example of what worked for THIS PARTICULAR AGENT)…”
I’m not Anon 4:17, but I was a previous Anon that had questions about the pitch.
I was under the impression KN was soliciting our thoughts about the pitch. And since it seemed to go against the advice of KN previous lectures about not burying the catalyst under moutains of details, I thought I’d ask why this one worked. So, my bad. Although under your reasoning about twenty other people should now apologize for not liking the
title…
Having read the summary, I understand where shifter comes from (I think) but I agree that it isn’t as cool a title as the other. Although, The Pain Merchant does sound darker and The Shifter intrigues me enough that I would be willing to pick up the boom and see what the cover says.
I love the cover.
playingwithchildren.blogspot.com
The Shifter is a fine title. The Pain Merchants is a bad ass title. Ah well.
Anon 7:55:
The 20 or so people who complained about the title said they liked the AUTHOR’S selected title better. They weren’t insulting the AUTHOR.
And no, the blog was intended to show us what worked for KN. I don’t think it was intended to “solicit” criticism from blog readers.
I can’t say “The Shifter” inspires me to look at this book, let alone buy it. The cover looks too Disney as well, considering the content of the story.
“The Pain Merchant” would have certainly caught my eye on a bookshelf, especially with a cover a little less “Magic Kingdom”.
I’m not a sci-fi fan, and The Shifter seems all sci-fi. The Pain Merchants sounds more like there’s a story and good characterization within some sci-fi and I would be more willing to read it. Bummer they switched the title. At least I’ve got a heads up for this one.
The pail and the fish lines got me. I too loved the voice!
So close to that edge where the quirky line doesn’t work, but yes, this does!!
Long live the quirky lines that authors give us.
(Remember Dan Rather when he was excited––like during an election coverage? He would come out with the most delightful zingers.)
The concept is superb, and for my taste is begging for a screen version–thinky creepy films really grab me. In the meantime, looking forward to the read.
My current submission is not as intense/complex, however two in-process works are, and I’ll hang tight to this great example!
Moira
I’d like to read the book .. I like the worst title of The Merchant of pain …. but I imagine that the content will be just as striking!
The funny thing is, it’s called “Pain Merchants” In the UK, so the title isn’t completely lost. Why does the UK always get the better titles?