Pub Rants

Friday Funnies!

by Kristin Nelson

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STATUS: The best way to start a day is with a smile on your face. Hope today’s entry helps.

What’s playing on the iPod right now? JUST LIKE HEAVEN by The Cure

My fav?
“At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.”

Oi that’s funny! Enjoy.

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance..
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

50 Responses

  2. Shanna Swendson said:

    A recent real-life one from my own church’s bulletin: They were announcing that they would now be offering a gluten-free option for communion.

    Except someone got their words mixed up, and through the whole article, they spelled “gluten” as “glutton.” So the church now proudly offered glutton-free communion. That brought up all kinds of fun mental images.

    Fortunately, I read this in the choir room before church instead of sneakily reading the bulletin in the choir loft during the children’s sermon like I usually do because I just about needed CPR from laughing so hard that I stopped breathing. And we were lucky that my laughing fit alerted the rest of the choir, so we didn’t have a choir-wide meltdown during the service.

  5. JenE said:

    Thanks Kristin! I needed that laugh today.

    A few months ago our church bulletin asked for prayers for a member who was undergoing tests to determine why he was losing conscientiousness. Hmm.

  13. Sharon Kirk Clifton said:

    When I was in college, one of my English profs used several of these and others like them to demonstrate misplaced modifiers and those pesky dangling participles. I began laughing uncontrollably, until I had to leave the room. Fleeing to the nearby restroom, I eventually regained my composure, or so I thought, and returned to the hall outside the classroom. After taking some deep breaths, I started into the room, but was met by the prof, smiling smugly. I broke down again. Class was over. The others filed out, staring at me as if I had to heads. When I finally made my way back into the room to apologize profusely to the prof, she just looked at me and smiled.

    “It’s okay,” she said. “You’re an English major, aren’t you?”

    “Yes. How could you tell?”

    “The others are taking this class as one of their required comp courses. They had no idea what you found so funny. To them, the sentences looked fine.”

    But why do I still double over laughing every time I read them?

  18. Kimberly Kincaid said:

    This makes me think of the group on Facebook- “Let’s eat Grandma! or Let’s eat, Grandma! Proper punctuation saves lives.”

    Awesome for a still-digging-out Friday 🙂

  20. Rowenna said:

    My church bulletin once advertised a Superbowl party for the youth. All youth were asked to bring a snack or a two-liter of pot to share. That would have been an amusing (if rather thirsty) Superbowl Sunday in the church fellowship hall!

  22. Amanda B. said:

    I just love those! 😀

    My favorite- “Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.” Unfortunately, I can picture that.

  24. Jen said:

    My fav:
    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

    Oh the visual . . .

  26. Sarah said:

    Not good timing to be reading these in the middle of a silent coffee shop. I’m getting looks from laughing out loud at these. Hilarious.

  28. Tawna Fenske said:

    Love these!

    Shanna Swendson, I cracked up over the glutton-free communion.

    Sharron Kirk Clifton, I have the same uncontrollable laughter in response to misplaced modifiers and general errors that turn regular sentences into something hilarious (and yes, I was an English major, too!)

    Years ago when I was a newspaper reporter, I was proofing an article that described a guest speaker who was coming to discuss buffalo diseases (I know, weird). The following sentence nearly made it into the paper:

    “John Doe became an expert on Brucellosis during the six years he spent as a bison in Yellowstone park.”

    The missing word is “herder,” as in “bison herder.” But the mental picture I got from the first sentence stays with me to this day, and it still makes me laugh every time.

    Thanks for sharing these, Kristin!

    Tawna

  33. Marie Lu said:

    Oh my god, that was a good laugh! I can’t decide between the crippling children one and the Low Self Esteem Support Group one. Hilarious. <3

    This totally reminded me of one of my favorite sites, Engrish.com, which is also snortiliciously funny. 🙂

  35. Jen said:

    Oh, my. I was having a horrible night, and complaining about taking quizzes on dangling modifiers and such. Yes, really, hand to God. *grin*

    Oh, how I needed this laugh, as well as the swift kick to my hind quarters. Thanks for the timely post!

  36. Amy Sue Nathan said:

    Here’s one from my own Temple bulletin. A friend and I were reading it during a service and laughed so hard we got the evil eye from the rabbi and every one around us. It was worth it. This is exactly how it appeared. Typesetting is everything! Don’t read the first line!

    ***

    We have beautiful kippahs made by
    Guatemalan women for sale in the gift shop.

    ***

    All we wanted to know (as two single moms) was when our Temple was going to have Guatemalan MEN for sale in the gift shop!

  44. D said:

    “…bring a blanket and be prepared to sin.” That’s fantastic! When I see these it’s hard to imagine they weren’t written the way they are intentionally. But that’s part of what makes them so great.

  45. Tina Pinson said:

    Thanks for the smile.

    I’ve heard some of the church bulletin ones, but even recycled, they always get a laugh.

    I’d like to invite you to my blog site to take a look at my comics sometime. Just for send a smile back to you.

    http://tinapinson.blogspot.com

    They do say laughter is the best medicine.

    Appreciate it.

  46. Katherine said:

    I love these. I’ve read them before but I always bust out laughing again. My church has had some good ones too over the years. I love the weight watchers and the low self-esteem ones.

    This is actually only about half of the list I’ve usually seen of these. Here’re some more:

    Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”

    Ushers will eat latecomers.

    The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer

  48. Michelle said:

    Oh my. My mom served as our church secretary for many years so I had to forward these on to her. She called while reading them but I couldn’t understand her. I thought something tragic had happened and she was crying too hard to say it. When she finally composed herself enough to talk all she could say was “church bulletins! oh my! church bulletins!” I really don’t think I’ve ever heard her laugh so hard. Thanks for these!

  49. Fitting Words said:

    I cried from laughing so hard. Found the link to your blog from a post by Anne Wayman. Thank you for sharing these!

    My last blog was about coping with criticism. Shows you why I needed this!

  50. bilunabirotunda said:

    I’ll never forget seeing this outside a church when I was little.

    “This church is full of dead people. Dead in themselves. Alive in Christ.”

    True story.