Pub Rants

STATUS: Happy. It’s almost 80 degrees in Denver. Had lunch outside with the Hubby. Finished a submission. No contracts awaiting my attention since final copies need to arrive for the final vet. Three of my clients had release dates this week: Becky Motew for COUPON GIRL; Shanna Swendson for ONCE UPON STILETTOS; Ally Carter for I’D TELL YOU I LOVE YOU BUT THEN I’D HAVE TO KILL YOU. On top of that, Jennifer O’Connell’s YA debut PLAN B is selling super well. All in all, I’m having a great day.

What song is playing on the iPod right now? BELLE from Walt Disney’s Beauty and The Beast soundtrack

Do you want to know what turns me off when reading a query letter for YA or a middle grade project? Even if you don’t, I’m going to tell you anyway. I love this blog sometimes.

Nothing will generate a quicker NO than highlighting the “educational” value of your children’s work in your query letter.

For picture books or lower level middle grade, it can make sense. The books might be geared towards education and specifically designed to be a learning tool. (As a reminder though, I don’t handle either.)

But for Harry Potter level middle-grade and especially for YA, the “educational value” is the kiss of death to a query in my book. Why?

Goodness, don’t you remember reading as a kid? I certainly didn’t pick up a novel because I thought I might “learn” something from it. Ick. I choose a novel to read because I thought the story would be wildly entertaining. And, if I happened to learn something because the writer was that good, well then, bully for me. The educational value was the absolute last thing on my mind (but boy did I incidentally learn a lot from some of my favorite novels).

Same should apply to your query letter. If you can’t sell me on a really original and engaging story (that would actually be enticing to young people), I’m not really interested and all the educational value in the world won’t change my mind.

All I’m thinking is boy, that would be dull as dirt. Who wants to read because it’s good for me? I certainly didn’t as a tween and I’m guessing that things haven’t changed all that much in the last 28 years.

Tell a good story. Highlight that in your query. If you’ve got that, I’m positive you are a strong enough writer to embed lessons worth learning in the novel because it would be a natural part of the story unfolding.

STATUS: A little annoyed. More to come in a moment.

What song is playing on the iPod right now? PAINTER SONG by Norah Jones

Ugh! Wasn’t I just ranting about not wanting to be labeled the chick lit agent?

Well, I did an interview for my local Denver magazine: 5280.

Yep, you guessed it. The angle the writer took was that I’m Denver’s Chick Lit Savant. That was even the title of the profile. Honestly, I talked about more than chick lit and discussed many of my other authors. But alas, I guess Chick Lit Savant sounds more “catchy.”

My favorite line from the profile? “Nelson specializes in the modern romance fiction genre affectionately known as ‘chick lit,’ so beach-worthy brain candy is her bread and butter.”

Kristin slaps head in resignation.

I specialize? I’m not specializing folks. I’m open to lots of stuff outside of the world of romance and chick lit.

“Beach-worthy brain candy”? Well, it does sound catchy. The writer obviously has not read any of my four chick lit authors because although they might be beach-worthy, not one of them is “brain candy.” They are smart, witty, and razor-sharp in their observations of what real woman must face.

Now I feel like I need to give a formal apology to my four chick lit authors and an apology for my fourteen other clients (who make up the majority of my list and are certainly part of my “bread and butter”) but who don’t write chick lit.

Sorry all. I’m not throwing in the towel and embracing the chick lit moniker. I will fight, fight, fight.

LOL!

Ps. In this day and age, can’t they touch up magazine photos? For heavens sake, they shave off inches from Cindy Crawford’s thighs for the cover of Cosmo? Can’t they smooth out some of my wrinkles for 5280…

Think how cool it will be when you can say you knew about and bought this little gem long before the masses and especially before the movie.

STATUS: Happy Friday! I actually got through some of my partials inbox last night (response letters won’t go out until Monday when Sara is back in the office) and I plan to tackle requested full manuscripts this weekend. Today has been devoted to putting the finishing touches on a submission.

What song is playing on the iPod right now? PLENTY by Sarah McLachlan

I know I’ll probably regret this. Just my luck I’ll suddenly get a bunch of screenplay queries from those who don’t read carefully but I’m going to talk about Hollywood again.

As many of you know from my previous rant, optioning the film or TV rights to any project is always a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long shot.

And every writer thinks his or her manuscript would make a great movie.

That don’t [sic] impress me much. Hollywood wants to look at everything but rarely buys anything. Rarer still, is the project that goes into production (which means it’s actually being made into a movie).

But every once in a while, the miracle starts happening. And if this sort of thing interests you, then pop over to Ally Carter’s blog because she is actually posting as events unfold.

On her website, you can get the whole story on the inception of the book I’D TELL YOU I LOVE YOU BUT THEN I’D HAVE TO KILL YOU and the selling of the film rights to Disney.

This week? Screenwriters were assigned—an essential step and a signal that the project is moving seriously toward production.

And, I happen to know that today Ally had a phone conference with her producer, Debra Martin Chase of the PRINCESS DIARIES and SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS fame. She hasn’t blogged it yet but my guess is that she will very shortly.

Next week, she’ll have another phone conference with Debra and the new screenwriters.

It’s rare to really hear about the process as it’s unfolding so here’s your opportunity. The inside scoop for those of you who have dreamed of this kind of scenario and Ally is truly a doll for sharing.

And to get back to beating that dead horse. Please, just don’t send me your screenplay. I only do book-to-film—which means I sell the print rights to a book before pursuing the film stuff. This means I only pursue film rights for my current clients for whom I’ve sold the print rights.

Don’t send me a query for an already published novel for which you only want me to shop the film rights. I don’t handle that (and mainly because there isn’t enough money in that to be worth the time).

Capiche?

(I know exactly zero Italian so I looked it up. I guess “capiche” is the English slang spelling and “capisce” is the more formal slang spelling–although neither is correct because the actual word in Italian is “capisci.”)

So, Capisci?

STATUS: Contract weary. Three of my contracts have reached the final stages where the final copies can be mailed off to the clients after one more look to make sure all changes are included. So close. Contracts are very time-consuming so I’m really looking forward to the completion of this batch. I can then start concentrating on the full manuscripts I’ve requested.

What song is playing on the iPod right now? HOW by The Cranberries

Last week, we had some fun with romance. This week, it’s fantasy’s turn. This website is just hilarious (and of course my agent friends and I have been passing around the link). I just wish I was this brilliant and original. I’m not. I’m happy to give the glory to those who are though.

So, fantasy writers, think you have what it takes to write the genre? Not so fast. David Parker has decided that anyone thinking about it should have to take this fantasy novel exam first. Answering “yes” to just one question means failure and you should abandon your novel at once.

My favs:

7. Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about “The One” who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good?

18. Would “a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword” aptly describe any of your female characters?

19. Would “a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan” aptly describe any of your female characters?

27. Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you’ve read the entire book, if even then?
(You knew I had to highlight this one!)

71. Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute?

Enjoy and good luck taking the exam!

STATUS: Off to an early start. I must finish the final vet of a negotiated contract so copies can get mailed off to the client for signing. Then I’m having lunch with Kelly Notaras (formerly an editor at Hyperion until she figured out that the weather is WAY better here in Colorado and moved so she could be Editorial Director at Sounds True Audio).

What song is playing on the iPod right now? MISSING by Everything But The Girl

When I was at the Pikes Peak conference this weekend, a gentleman came up to talk to me and he literally started the conversation with, “I know you are a chick lit/women’s fiction agent and only represent women authors, but I wondered if you would still be interested in my project that has a male protagonist.”

Stop everything. I’ve been receiving email queries that reflect this same sentiment. I have to rant about this.

I only represent woman authors?

Wow this is news to me (and to the two guys who signed with my agency the week before last and the two male clients who are currently on my webpage and whose books I’ve sold).

I am the chick lit agent?

Folks, out of my 19 clients, only four of my clients (yes, count them, four) write in this field. Just because these gals are all rather high profile (bless their good-selling books), just means I’m good at picking what can work in this field but I’m not limiting what I represent to just that.

Now I do have to admit that in the last couple of years, it’s been easier to sell chick lit, romance, women’s fiction etc. so consequently, that’s what I’ve sold.

But I promise you. Nowhere on my website does it say I hate men, male protagonists, or male writers.

It says on my website that we are looking for literary, commercial mainstream, SF, Fantasy, young adult, memoir (as well as chick lit, women’s fiction, and romance) from all kinds of writers and for all kinds of stories.

I want diversity. I’m actively looking. I haven’t found that perfect project yet. The door is open.

Sara on the office blue couch with the ever helpful Chutney.

STATUS: A good day and I’m ready to relax. I’m off to the Tattered Cover in Cherry Creek tonight to see a friend read. Bill Henderson is a wonderful writer so take some time to get a copy of AUGUSTA LOCKE just out by Viking.

What song is playing on the iPod right now? SAIL ON by the Commodores

First things first.

Time to introduce my new assistant—the lovely Sara Megibow.

Brief Sara Bio
On a rainy day in 1985, a young Sara picked up THE HOBBIT and was hooked. A graduate of Northwestern University, she has a B.A. in Women’s Studies and a B.A. in American History. Sara has worked as a corporate trainer for GE and most recently has spent two years working for the Boulder Weekly newspaper. After a fun year as a full-time mom, she’s ready to get back in to the world of words, large mugs of coffee, and a new passion with the Nelson Literary Agency.

Of course we spent the day in Query madness (and we have read and responded to all queries up to April 1).

Much to Sara’s relief, I didn’t just open the query email inbox and set her loose. We basically worked together on all the queries today. That way she could get the feel for what I look for in query, what works, and what are the very obvious passes.

We even got a form query letter like the one Dan ranted about on Friday. That was hilarious because Sara hadn’t read that blog entry yet and even she said, “what’s up with this query?”

I just knew she was going to be good.

When you read a lot of queries at one sitting, a trend always emerges. I’m not sure how or why but it does (weird synchronicity in the world or something). Today’s trend was characters being bought, abducted, or otherwise coerced into slavery, white slavery, and whatnot.

Genre didn’t seem to matter. We saw the plot device in romance, fantasy, commercial mainstream etc. but none in a Civil War historical (where such an element would be expected).

After the fourth or fifth query with this device, Sara turned to me and asked if it was a popular plot? I had to shrug. I have no idea. Conflict du jour? We didn’t ask for a partial from any of them though.

The Katie count: We must have scared the masses because I haven’t seen a Katie (or derivative) in a while. On the other hand, my partial inbox is scary and I really plan to tackle a good portion of it this weekend.

However, I do have another title entry that keeps popping up.

A Look through My Rose Colored Glasses

Or a variation of this theme. Very popular.

I’m out.

Brian Nelson, Chutney, Kristin Nelson, & Ally Carter

STATUS: Feeling optimistic. The new assistant started today. Had to devote a lot of the workday to helping her get started etc. but I can already tell she’s going to be a great asset. I’ll be introducing her later this week.

What song is playing on the iPod right now? MAMMA MIA by ABBA

What I learned from the Pikes Peak Writers Conference:

1. That people actually read my blog. I figured it would be a few friends, a client or two, and maybe my mother but at least 20 people came up to me to tell me that they check in every day. During an agent panel, one of the audience members asked me what was playing on my iPod right then. Funny enough, I had it in my purse and I pulled it out to tell him what song was up.

2. That people think I know who Miss Snark is. That was an interesting agent panel question. My lips are sealed folks.

3. That agents are fans too! Dan Simmons was the Saturday night keynote speaker. Don’t worry. I didn’t make a fool out of myself by being a silly fan girl or anything (however much I wanted to) but it was truly an honor to meet Dan in person, to have my books signed, and to be allowed to buy him a Diet Coke while he was at his booksigning.

4. That conference attendees are delightful, respectful, and fun. This is a big conference (700 people or so I think) and not one person acted inappropriately (at least to me anyway– perhaps some of the other agents had a hard time but I doubt it.). No stalkings. No bathroom manuscript slidings. No unexpected or undesirable pitching. Just great, savvy writers.

5. That it’s really hard to hear across the dinner table in a ballroom filled with that many people. I seriously think that all attendees assume that I shout all the time.

6. That I might have perfected the art of the on-spot critique. I highlighted things that I liked, what didn’t work, and hopefully all while being gentle but brutally honest at the same time. If I would have stopped reading, I explained why and gave great tips on how that could be revised to solve the problem. (In the past, my critiques where more rambling. Felt more constructive this time).

7. That keynotes can be truly moving and inspiring. Huge applause to Dan Simmons, Diane Mott Davidson, Johnny Boggs, and especially Wendy French who had the room in tears laughing over her Starbucks story.

8. That young people can set an example for us all. I had two pitches from youngsters under the age of 18 and let me tell you, they were both nervous but still acted professionally and gave an awesome, well-constructed pitch (in under two minutes and then asked informed questions). That’s courage folks. I’m not sure I would have been able to do the same at their age. I’d like to think I could. Don’t forget that young adults have something to say and can know what they want and how to go after it.

9. That Chutney would be a big hit. But duh, should have known that. And the picture as promised.

STATUS: Slightly frantic. I have to leave for Colorado Springs in one hour for the Pikes Peak conference. Have I packed yet? Nope. Must blog first! Priorities, right?

What song is playing on the iPod right now? STONE WOMAN by Bryan Ferry
(the sexiest voice on the planet in my humble opinion)

One of the great things about this blog is that it ends up inspiring other agents to come out and play (translation: rant) as well.

Yesterday, I got an email from Dan Lazar at Writers House, a blog reader and fan (hey, I’m constantly amazed at who’s reading this page), and he asked so nicely that I bring this interesting email query trend to everyone’s attention because it’s driving him crazy. I’ve been getting them too and I have to say they are highly annoying. I’ve convinced him to guest blog because I couldn’t have said it better.

Personally, I think the readers of my blog are way too savvy for anything this amateur but hey, fair warning to all you clueless queriers who might not realize your “form” email queries are getting deleted or generating automatic NOs.

So now, without further ado, I give you Dan Lazar at is ranting best:

Ms. Nelson,

I thought you might want to see a 300-word literary rant that’s available for representation and posting on your blog.

***DAN LAZAR STRIKES BACK***

“Small-town literary agent Dan Lazar has a problem. He’s happily inundated with query letters by mail and email; he reads each one with loving care and attention. But recently he’s received a host of similarly formatted email. They all open with a casual and offhanded, “Oh, I thought you’d want a shot at this available property,” as if the writer of the letter was an old friend breezing through town, catching up, and – oh yes! – here’s a project you should look at.

The title follows this opening, in caps, surrounded by stars before and after the name. Then the authors launch into a very generic, very “Hollwood” quick pitch. Which means they all sound the same, with no voice, nothing unique that makes them stand out from the crush of other (authentic) letters.

The final paragraph is usually a third person blurb about “the author’s experience”—referring to the author in third person, as if he or she is too busy attending literary galas for their latest memoir to be bothered by anything as silly as writing their own query letters. Pshaw. These presumptive and overly-familiar letters are driving me nutty; and I’ve been talking to more and more fellow agents who feel the same way. Authors, we’re eager to hear from you. But some of you are just shooting yourselves in the foot.

Finally, the best (read: worst) part of these letters are the same rushed, assuming closings, which read:

“Should I send it off to you now and do you like hard copy or by email?” or “How shall I get this to you, email or hardcopy to the address below?”

Sincerely,
Dan Lazar

p.s. Thanks for passing this along. I wanted to get the word out, and frankly, I’ve also been told I’m at my most charming when I’m most self-righteous.

p.p.s. I just figured out why I’m single.

Okay, couldn’t resist adding this after Dan asked me to add the pps. Doesn’t this just make you want to pinch Dan? I think I need to post his pic so maybe we can line up some dates in New York City for him. Little did he know that matchmaking is my second favorite thing to do beyond agenting. I’m good at it to. I can boast three marriages from my set-ups.

STATUS: Chipper. I got an early start. Not to mention, late this afternoon I have my monthly massage scheduled. Blessed be all massage therapists!

What song is playing on the iPod right now? BRASS IN POCKET by The Pretenders (must be 70s week at the agency)

I love romance.

I love reading romance.

I love that I’ve been reading it since I was knee-high to a grasshopper.

I love that RWA publishes statistics like 40 to 45% of the profit in the publishing industry is generated by this genre sector. (I kid you not.)

I love that it’s mostly professional, college-educated women who read it.

I love it when reading snobs turn up their noses at stuff that’s “just” romance or chick lit so I can laugh all the way to the bank.

And I also love that we romance agents, readers, and writers can have a sense of humor and poke fun at ourselves (but woe to the misinformed idiot who pokes fun at us!).

Which is why I got a huge kick out of Bookseller Chick’s recent blog on the Top 10 Ways You Know You’re not a Romance Heroine if… Really, worth a visit and a good chuckle. Just don’t snort your coffee up your nose while reading. (I even blogged about number 9).

As always, there is a little lesson embedded here. Bookseller Chick points out these story lines because they’ve been done, and done again, and then done one more time. Just another reason you need to think about putting a really new and fresh spin on your story if you write romance.

A couple of months ago, some agent friends and I were passing around the link for Longmire does Romance Novels.

Put your coffee down before clicking this link. Seriously, put it down. I laughed so hard, I couldn’t remain seated. (LORD OF THE TUBE SOCKS is probably my favorite but my, there are a couple of close seconds.)

Publishing houses always have good intentions when it comes to book covers. They are in tune with the market. Obviously they’ve gotten good responses (as in sales numbers) to certain covers so why mess with a good thing? But sometimes, despite our best intentions, there is such a thing as good cover ideas gone bad (and of course, Longmire pokes some good fun with their re-titling when that happens).

Don’t blame the authors either! They often don’t get a say (and certainly not approval) on the final cover. If you are the proud author of one of these covers, please know that I’m laughing with you—not at you. If you’re a publishing author with good covers, don’t be smug. Eventually you’ll suffer a bad cover that you’d love to re-title yourself.

STATUS: Hey, it’s only noon and I’ve gotten lots done today. I’m working on submission lists for two new projects that I want to send out by Friday. I also have to finish that contract. I usually like to do that first thing in the morning but alas, hasn’t happened yet. Feeling sprightly though.

What song is playing on the iPod right now? TIME by Pink Floyd

I’ll be attending the Pikes Peak Writers Conference this weekend. It’s on my home turf so I love being embraced by this organization. They do a great job, have savvy workshops, great keynote speakers, and solid faculty. In fact, I’ll be giving my signature workshop: SAY GOODBYE TO THE SLUSH PILE: WRITING EMAIL QUERIES THAT GET RESULTS.

Lots of genre fiction at this conference and since I’m actively looking for SF & F… I’m psyched.

I also signed a client via this conference and fingers crossed, her project is teetering on the edge of a sale (you will hear the celebrating in Denver when this happens).

Even better yet, one of my authors is speaking and doing a workshop there as well. I just love hanging out with Ally Carter. She’ll get to meet the hubby and the dog. What more can an author ask for? (Probably a lot but we won’t go there.)

But I bring this up because I wanted to share an interesting tidbit. When I was out in New York last week, I had a meeting with Ms. Mitchell who is Vice President and Editor-in-Chief at Ballantine Del Rey. She has looked at several of my projects but we hadn’t quite connected on the perfect book. I figured it was time for us to meet because our tastes seem to line up.

I mentioned Pikes Peak to her because it’s a big genre fiction conference and since editors are always looking for good SF & F and not a ton of agents rep the genre, her ears perked up.

So, it’s not just the “young” building editors who attend. Sometimes senior folks (movers and shakers) are also interesting in attending. Says a lot about conference power.

I mean how cool would it be for a writer to sit down and have a fun conversation with Ms. Mitchell who might impart a little of her wisdom. (And don’t waste it by doing something silly and pitching your book. Sheesh. How often do you have this chance to learn from somebody who has seen lots of stuff in this business?)

Keep an eye on PP’s website because she just might be on the faculty list for next year.